Friday, December 26, 2008

eye of the storm

I’m a hothouse orchid in the eye of the storm.

Calm, fuck calm: numb. Like in the movies when someone’s ear gets shot out; the sound world recedes. My world expands. I disassociate, analytically watching myself progress logically through life. Chaos ensues.

Chicken and the egg – a mutually dependent relationship between calm and storm. Calm in reaction to emergency, and numbness creates emergency in others. I pretend not to like the reaction, but I’m sure I’m hollow. People know the glee I get from wiggling my finger on their buttons. I know I’m visible – because it doesn’t always work. I don’t *always* get my way. A bundle of survival mechanisms and a wink and a smile.

Creative adaptive dissocial personality disorder. Trying to figure out whether mainstream psychology believes that I am disordered is difficult considering the disorder I find in mainstream psychology. Creative means using the disorder to make a living or more basically – survive. Adaptive means integrated into society. Dissocial includes the old definitions of sociopath and antisocial. Disorder means it pervades the world view, and therefore is very difficult to treat… by which they usually mean “drugs don’t work”.

Oh but they do.

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