Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I’d say after ten years the statute of limitations has run out on blogging about details of past relationships.

I had a boyfriend who was a good man, whose only sin was a lack of self-confidence that led to a childhood of substance abuse and eventually a binge alcoholism justified by him in its relative sobriety to his earlier years.

As men are wont to do he confessed to me on the first night of our relationship his deepest, weirdest sin. Once, when 17, he drank a few bottles of vodka and found a random dog and had it fuck him up the ass.

Told in the context of a deepest, weirdest, past sin – and in contrast to the rest of his personality – I accepted it as a literary flaw, and him as my boyfriend for three years. I’m thankful to have reached the level of maturity where I now understand the stupidity of that – as it was alcohol that eventually broke us up. I can’t deal with the boozers.

That drunken space, the place where inhibitions have been reduced beyond what is helpful for anyone. This space has value I’m sure, maybe it’s good to know what raw twisted behavior comes out when inhibitions are reduced and senses deadened. We all have a little dogfucker in us that needs to get out. However, I believe heartily in this: once you get the message, hang up the phone. No one needs to fuck a dog twice.
Speaking of stupidity and repeated dogfucking – one morning at about four he stumbles up the stairway drunk on whiskey. He has the decency not to sleep in our bed, knowing he may piss or puke in his sleep, so passes out in the hallway on the floor. At this point our relationship is close, but tense due to these nights of drunken binges and my severe issue with anyone who abuses alcohol as their drug of choice.

The next morning I see scratches on his back, deep scratches that I know *cannot* be human. My heart stops – I already know the answer:

“What happened to your back?”

He tells me the story point blank, he drank, he blacked out, he remembers pieces – like going to the park, finding a stray dog with an injured paw – and getting it to fuck him up the ass. Any time I’ve told this story in the past years – to anyone with a strong stomach and sense of humor – they ask “How the hell did he get the dog to fuck him up the ass?”

I don’t know. I was too stunned to think of that, so all I said was:

“Well, did you use a condom?”

Rightfully, he reacted as if that was ridiculous. Then again, so is ass-fucking a dog.

He was a good man though, and I couldn’t technically count it as cheating. So I stayed with him another year.

I’ve never been able to say that with a straight face so I hope you’re laughing too.


Anonymous said...

I'm not sure how I feel that I now have [dog sex howto] in my google search history.

This very straightforward page "How To Have Sex With A Dog" explains it all, though mostly it seems to be written for women. It seems to indicate that getting a male dog to hump you is probably not challenging. Dealing with the knot seems like it could be a problem, though.

Diablolita said...

Wow, I thought I couldn't be shocked.... that's more than straightforward, it's awesome.

melisandebrat said...

As a longterm "real life" friend of Diablolita, I remember when this happened.
And I was amazed that you didn[t dump him on the spot. But, of course, I also know that he is a really good person, totally hot, funny, talented, etc.
So really, the worst thing is knowing that even though he's totally likeable and all that, I can't see him without thinking "dogfucker" and I've been calling him that in the back of my head for the past ten years!