Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Performance Enhancement: Addagirl!


I take Adderall seasonally to clean the house. 20MG XR lasts six hours, which is the longest consecutive time I could ever spend cleaning anything.

Designed for schoolchildren with a six hour school day, the extended release and soft onset and come-down of the L-amphetamine and the D-amphetamine blend are kiddiespeed. I have one bottle, which will probably last me about 20 years at my going rate, even with the slow ebb in potency.In general I’m wary of performance enhancing drugs, because they are fun. Who doesn’t like being enhanced? Amphetamines are a cheap performance enhancer though, so don’t have the draw or danger of being fun. The performances they enhance are worthless. They allow repetitive actions, pinpoint focus on mundane things… the state they cause seems extraordinary from the inside, but you don’t have to be very far outside of it to see it as subordinary. Wow, I’m cleaning. Still cleaning. Still cleaning. Wow, I’m sorting. Still sorting. Still sorting. Wow, I’m filing. Still filing. Still filing. All while rhythmically clenching my jaw. What a great drug!

Adderall overrides the procrastination function, at least in me. Humanity procrastinates because we know full well that many things, when put off – will not have to be done. Adderall erases that good piece of survival logic entirely, replacing it with “well, I’ll have to do this eventually, so I might as well do it now”. It’s a feeling of substitution, and a need for more substitution. There’s a slight discomfort, a slight anxiety, the state begs distraction. Too much energy – it needs to be used, and when used one feels … useful.

Cleaning is a good thing to have a balanced procrastinating nature towards. If you clean too often, you will just spend more of your overall lifetime cleaning. If you don’t clean often enough, the time it takes to clean that layer of gunk off will be more than it would had you cleaned more regularly. There’s a balance of efficiency. I still procrastinate cleaning. It’s just that when I decide it’s time for a sparkling house or car - I take a drug to make sure it gets done.

I chose Adderall because Dexadrine makes me think I’m Hugh Hefner in the 60’s and Ritalin makes me a black hole, input only. I don’t think I’ve any deficit of attention, but all stimulants focus me. I’ve never been tempted to get spun or tweaked, I like the low doses in all my stimulants with the exception of caffeine – where a medium dose and the euphoric swings of mania that ensue in me are definitely appreciated, but not often enjoyed. The coffee comedown is such a bitch.

Adderall teaches the art of withstanding discomfort. It lets me know where the tolerance for mundane repetition is located in my own brain. It maps the tic disorders, violence, sexual deviance, and obsessive compulsive buttons. It enhances my sense of my own distance from and closeness to physiochemical insanity. Other than enhancing my performance at housecleaning, this is all I am grateful to it for – it shows me where crazy is so I can make sure never, ever to visit this Stimuland of the brain when sober.

1 comment:

7 said...

I have said for years that laziness is an important instinct, it keeps you from wasting energy. I like the way you put it. I often neglect something in the hopes that it will resolve itself or at least become easier. Wait long enough and something broken will be obsolete, not worth fixing. If something really needs to be done I try to do it as soon as I know about it, "it's not urgent" is the kiss of death for a task ever getting done.

Procrastination is dangerous when it has an emotional component like anxiety. I found that with schoolwork when I was younger and taxes more recently. A little nervous energy can make me clean and then be done with it, in other cases it doesn't motivate but intensifies to the point of being a hindrance as a deadline looms. I can't imagine how uppers would mix with that, if I had to guess I'd probably say badly.